Probably Not Awake

You’re probably not awake, but I want to tell you a story. See, I’ve had some unfortunate luck in my 18 years of surviving. Somewhere down the line, I lost myself, and I never could find the piece that felt missing. I’ve read countless books, but the knowledge only brought me more suffering. I threw myself into my schoolwork and turned my heart off. For a while, I felt numb. The numbness didn’t beat the pain. I was paralyzed about 6 years ago, on June 4th, 2016. I went from being bedridden to a wheelchair to walking normally again. I inspired my peers. To be honest, I never felt very inspired by myself. I never understood why people had so much hope in me. A lot of times, I just felt empty. You may think I should see a psychologist about it and I would have to agree, but the only issue is that they could never help me even in the slightest. I know that because I’ve tried talking to people about my problems and they do not seem to understand. Maybe medication could help, but the emptiness I speak of is more of an abstract philosophical idea. The idea of Self and how the inner Self is forgotten and hidden away so no one knows what you really feel. Your vices can hide the pain, but behind every mask is a broken soul. How does one fix the soul? How does one reach nirvana? True happiness? I have no clue, but so far, I found that helping others and being kind brings back a sense of peace in the turmoil of life. I have lost a lot, but I feel it is of the utmost importance to still fight because who else will?