Existence

I’ve spent most of my life thinking about the meaning of my own existence. I am not going to live a very long life. This sucks cause it’s not that I want to die, but I just don’t feel very well. Unless something changes drastically, I’ll call it quits. For now, I’ll be fine, but I can’t guarantee the future.

When I say I don’t feel well, I mean that physically and mentally. Physically, my body is in a state of pure pain. Everything stings from nerve damage, and I don’t want to take too many painkillers because it’s only a temporary solution. The argument against me is always that if it significantly impacts my state of living, then I should take the correct dosage of painkillers to live my life normally. But you have to understand that the side effects and the potential of addiction are higher in me. I can’t take the chance; I know myself well.

Mentally, I’m in an isolated and dissociated state. I haven’t felt like a person in years, and now I feel like every action I take is meaningless. Because every time I try to do something, I end up failing. I understand that one must learn from failure. Still, if everything and everyone believes that one is a failure, it pushes them into a state of paralysis. You need a proper support network, and I am talking about more than just talking to people. That is not good enough; you must encourage people to do things outside their comfort zone. This is not to say that you force them, but you simply nudge them toward a direction where they might learn to fly.

The critical thing to remember is that I only get out of my own hell if I want to get out. You can’t really help someone who doesn’t wish to be helped. I don’t really want anyone else’s “help,” I guess. I want to come to my own understanding of life.

I’ve worked so hard to try and be a good person; I’ve realized over time that the concept of good and evil is subjective. For example, I personally think I’m a terrible person, not because I want to be wrong but because I’ve been surrounded by abuse for so long. The only logical outcome of my circumstances is to accept them and become like my environment.

You are who you surround yourself with, and I believe that all my friends are good people. But in my family, I am surrounded by liars and thieves, and it makes me feel like an “If you can’t beat them, join en kind of situation.” I could play the game but would lose my soul in the process. I can’t act like “everything is ok.”

I mean, shit, everything is obviously not ok. I look around me and see everything deteriorating and no one saying a word because “Everything is ok.” I understand that human beings aren’t forward-thinking creatures, but come on. Don’t lie to yourselves.

You guys are intelligent people. Don’t beat around the bush. You know, shit is fucked up. You know that our future doesn’t look too hot, and I understand that you don’t know what to do so you drown yourselves in your own little world.

But I have hope and know that we as a community can change sentiment because we are the future. My only problem is I’m in such a state of absolute depression that I feel I should stay still than move forward. But I know I’m wrong; I just don’t know how to escape my pit. I need help. I would be eternally grateful if you could help me find a reason to live and keep moving forward.

I can’t live for money, fame or power. I can’t live for the love of my friends or family. I’ve tried to do it, and it worked for years, but it doesn’t motivate me. I hate myself and don’t have faith in myself, so I need to find confidence in something.

Whenever I try to make a prediction, I want to be wrong. Have you heard me make an optimistic prediction? I don’t want to predict the future; that’s not my goal, but I want to be prepared for it. Maybe that’s something unclear to everyone.